Sign in

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

These are times of extreme uncertainty, with the world suffering from a deadly pandemic to me graduating soon after spending $2,50,000 in the last 4.5 years on college. Everything is scary! What should have been a happy ending to these 4 years of hard work isn’t exactly going as planned to be honest. I don’t have a job yet, have no idea how I am going to pay my parents+bank this money back and I definitely am not secured about my visa status in the US after President pulled up that stunt on International students recently. And trying to get through all this while being 8500 miles away from my family — makes it even harder. This virus has really made life hell.

So yeah! In a nutshell, I am so fucked. Living life under so many uncertainties and unforeseen risks is dreadful. No morning or night goes by when the thought of losing it all doesn’t come through my mind.

AND then there comes in a dilemma.

There are people losing their loved ones and some can’t even say their last goodbyes properly. In the midst of all this, does my anxiety about my future even count!? The worse I would go through is probably not getting a job, being sent back home where my parent would probably have to sell all of their property to pay off my loans and then live under the burden of society — don’t forget the complete destruction of my self confidence and career. But then again at the end of the day I would get a roof to sleep under and food to stay alive. I will live (~hopefully!).

So these days when I pray to god just to share what I am so sorrowed about, I don’t really know what I should be talking about or let me rephrase it — I don’t know what’s on the top of my sad-list. My uncertain future/life/career or please save people from dying. I would love both to be blessed upon but it’s just something that doesn’t fit in my head right. Being disappointed about my own problem just seems selfish and so implausible but, at the same time I want to get rid of those issues, I want to get a job that I am so much in love with, I want to make my parents feel relaxed — kinda redundant but you get it.

Hmm! So how do we approach this? Idk yet!
But here’s something I know, I need to keep going and so many other people like me who are under the constant fear of loosing job, loved one and opportunities of their lives.

It is an idea or notion that will regularly evolve, hopefully I learn lessons and move forward in the coming crucial months. Keep an eye, I’ll keep you posted here. You do the same.

I am just trying to be ‘me’ — and figuring out what that means on the way.